Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Good morning.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?