when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.