*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*