I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My guardian angel deserves a raise
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”