Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Just a bush.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere