I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.