It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.