“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
New tinder profile pic
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?