“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Flock of bats