had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”