My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Sing it!