You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Beware of fowl play.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?