Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“what that mouth do?” complain
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.