Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Put the is in disheveled
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Its a hippotatomus
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?