ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
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I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.