2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
🙅🏻
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell