me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.