*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
You Might Also Like
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
so this horse walks into a bar
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window