Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
From my Mom
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down