Chicago sounds lovely.
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.