‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
😂💯
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”