Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex