Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Owl Sanctuary
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Last-minute gift idea!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?