I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
North and South
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.