Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!