Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.