About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?