It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
pls suprot
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work