This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Natural selection at its finest
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”