in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.