Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Teach your children to beatbox
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff