Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
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“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately