Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
This is my emotional support knife.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.