theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
You Might Also Like
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
That de-escalated quickly
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.