wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?