6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair