[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
How dude HOW?!
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.