Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
i love modern commerce
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught