*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Yes, but it was never about money
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.