[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day