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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*