WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less