Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.