Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
You Might Also Like
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
This took me a second..
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Check out the legs on this baby
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.