[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.