We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”