“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.