Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.