Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
and now we wait
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.