Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.